Vanity – The First of Three

The three of you,
You three are mine,
I lost myself,
For each to find.
Vanity,
Distance,
Time,
You are the barriers in my mind.

Vanity you pull me back,
Back, back, into your deepest trap,
No words of which can save me now,
The silence around me is too loud.

Your criticisms and lies,
Are all that implies,
Your need for satisfaction,
For my reaction.

If I were this or if I were that,
Because you could not love me despite the crap,
Your needs are wrong, your needs are unreal,
You gloss over what you really feel.

The mind cares for appreciation,
But the heart needs something more,
A substantial amount for which to hold,
A love which breaks your law.

My face may not be full of grace,
And my eyes may not yet sparkle,
But the love I have is love enough,
Love enough for your embrace.

I will not fall down with them,
To lose your respect and cry,
For who I am I am, and that you must love,
Or this love will surely die.

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1 whole year! Happy Birthday TFTSR!

One year ago today I created this little blog and wrote my first post on it.
In the last year I have written over 270 posts, gained 654 followers and 139 twitter chums.
I have laughed thousands of times, cried hundreds of times, read amazing books tens of times, been kissed once, been drunk once and loved once.

These last 12 months have been the best of my life, and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. I went from being a self-conscious, chubby little butterfly to a self-confident young woman who loves herself. Over the last year you have watched me struggle and cry and learn and grow. You read the things I would never normally show people, and you supported me. Thank you, truly for being part of the community who nurtured me into the outspoken person I am today.

Let us raise a glass (of water or juice for all those under age 😉 ) to another year. To another 365 days of pure faultless awesome. To growing into ourselves and becoming the people we wanted to be 3 years ago. To achieving the achievable and pushing for the unbelievable.

Here is a list of my top 10 posts if you wish to peruse my old and somewhat regrettable work 🙂

  1. The First One
  2. A Feminist Flourishes
  3. The Mental Health Series
  4. The Piccadilly Line
  5. The Time It Got Spiritual
  6. The Boy Next Door
  7. Of Mayflies and Men – Apologies this never got finished
  8. The Most Liked One
  9. My Favorite Photograph
  10. My Favourite Post

Reading my old stuff back I just have to laugh at my own immaturity, stupidity and naivety. Seriously though, thank you for everything. Every like, every follow and every comment matters. They lighten up my day and give me strength.

I’m now going to find something delicious to eat in celebration. Oh, and it is still a Musical Monday so here is the song 🙂

Love always

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Intimacy – Spontaneous Saturdays

To sit in a room,
To say nothing,
But to know exactly what should be said,
To know someone so well.

To never fear their leaving,
To feel security,
To know tomorrow is another day with them,
To be loved through it all.

To be touched,
To stroke,
To lie next to,
To need and be needed.

To share ever secret,
To be blessed with the unseen,
To be comfortable as oneself,
To be intimate.

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Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis – Musical Mondays

Hate’s hurt is love in disguise,
The pain of our own lies,
Deep down we know which we feel,
But in between there is too much to see what is real.

This is torture,
This is life,
We suffer through pain and strife.

But in the end I cannot bear,
To see you standing over there,
I want to kill you,
To kiss you,
To feel and to touch,
You have left me with this much.

In all my life,
I have never known,
To feel so much,
To feel so alone.

Everything you are repels everything that is me,
But yet I still see,
Visions that I know the be fantasise,
Hopelessly searching for some sanity.

I cannot decide or explain what I feel,
I just pray that this love isn’t real,
That actually I just hate you,
And that this was all a dream too.

Heaven above and hell below,
I regret to say I loved you so.

Beyond all knowledge I had a hopeless abandon,
And abandon my soul I did.

The Song

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7_weSk0BonM

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No One Ever Loved by Lykke Li – Musical Monday

Beyond the canyon of my mind,
I felt a love that fooled me blind,
To discover what is limitless,
There is little I can profess .

Behind intolerant eyes,
Pain and anguish lies,
Hidden through arrogance and mistrust,
Nothing worth the lust.

No words need be uttered,
The corners of my mind no longer cluttered,
With thoughts of your ghost,
Now having left your host.

Awoken to a peaceful mind,
The emptiness that is truly kind,
Freed from trouble and chance,
We have danced our last dance.

For those of you who don’t know, Musical Mondays are posts in which I have written to a specific song on replay, and I use it as inspiration.

You can find the song here.

Leaving pain behind, is the key to moving forward with a positive temperament.

Writer X

Praying they can stay alive

In our reflections lie our true enemies,
Those we cannot flee from,
The undesirable number one,
She who shall cause our worst downfall.

You cannot save people from themselves,
You cannot shield them inside their heads,
You can try and try, and love and love,
But it only goes so deep.

No matter how hard you try to patch them up,
They must heal themselves,
You cannot force them to be fixed,
To be okay.

When someone trips you can save them or let them fall,
But sometimes the saving doesn’t save them,
It just pushes the eventuality of the fall further forward in time,
You are delaying the recovery.

You cannot keep falling, you will hit the ground,
No matter its state, no matter what it looks like,
Beneath you is solid ground,
To stand on, to survive.

Their self destruction is before your eyes,
Behind them the pain lies,
Praying the hurt can end,
Praying they can stay alive.

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Email me anytime: writerx9@gmail.com
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School, strength and sleep – True Thursdays

For those who don’t know True Thursdays are a weekly post about the stuff going on in my real life and with my mental health, hence the term “true” because my poetry, pieces and photos don’t always explain the truth of what is going on.

I went back to school on Monday and of course on came the tidal wave of work. I haven’t had time to work on the new manuscript much, but I should have a fair bit of time this weekend. But I’m not exactly despising the work load because before we went back to school I was getting really scatty. I’m the sort of person who needs to being doing something 24/7 so I have almost welcomed all the mindless drivel back with open arms.

In truth I am actually a pretty lazy student. I get 70/90% in most tests (bearing in mind the majority of my school is rather intelligent and a little nerdy, so this isn’t good enough for some of my teachers *cough*Maths*cough*) but I don’t revise and don’t care or worry that much. If I put in the effort I could probably be top 5 in a few of my classes, but I just cant be bothered. So I have decided to try and make an effort to do some extra studying and try to “extend my learning” *vomits at teacher jargon* in the subjects that I find don’t challenge me.

The fitness and gym are going good even though it has only been 4 ish days back on after Christmas, and the festive tradition of over eating. I could really do with some good trainers – the type that people wear for fashion rather than sport but are actually amazing to run in – and my birthday is coming up so, hint, hint, if you know me personally. I love the feeling of sweating and aching at the gym, it’s almost a drug now. I feel so much fitter just from 4 months of working out. I want to run everywhere and I put in twice the level of energy into every task.

So I have achieved not being physically being lazy, and I am working towards being mentally active as well. I think, at the moment my brain is like a sports car on low quality fuel, I need to find the things that make me run – talking mentally here – at my best. Writing is definitely one. MUST MAKE TIME TO WRITE.

But the last issue on the agenda is sleep, and my love hate relationship with her. Recently I have been falling asleep at 1 and I have to wake up at 6:30 so it isn’t really working. I did some online reading about clearing your head before you sleep and I found this 7/11 – not the Beyoncé kind, but all hail the queen – breathing technique to try and get myself into a relaxed state before I sleep.

Life weekly round up over, I realised in the few days I have been back how confident and whole I feel. Especially at school, I can just chat with everyone and I feel quite relaxed. I’m doing well.

Pumpin blood by NONONO – Musical Monday

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We can survive this,
Whatever the world throws at us,
We are the generation that lives up in the clouds,
We have our entire lives to make mistakes.

Beauty lives in all of us,
The youth of today,
Our hearts pumping blood,
Undeniable hope in our eyes.

Just don’t lose sight of yourself in other peoples eyes,
Don’t focus on your body to much,
Don’t fear the changes that come,
And always try to love those who need loving the most.

Focus on positivity and prosperity,
Love yourself despite your quirks,
And always, always smile.

Twitter @Writer_X9
Email writerx9@gmail.com
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12 Posts of Christmas – Day 12

So Christmas is officially over and I am heading back to school tomorrow. Usual schedule will resume then 🙂

Lots of people are talking about the new year and their resolutions. Mine were the usual mostly; continue to get fit, spend more time with those I love, study harder. But I just wanted to mention 2 things that aren’t on the list and 2 things that are.

Firstly, this year I did not write “Find a boyfriend” on the list, because I am perfectly happy without one. For the first time in forever I am learning to feel good about myself outside of men’s expectations of me. I know that I don’t have time for a relationship right now because I am too busy working on my relationship with myself. I love myself and my little quirks and I actually think I am ok. Like properly ok.

The second thing that isn’t on the list is anything relating to changing my personality or my actions. In the real world I am an utter idiot, and I do stupid things like banging into fire alarms by accident. And I’m not sophisticated all the time, like I wear a space invaders top to bed. Sometimes I act like a cross bread of Bridget Jones and Miranda but I like that. Honestly it just means I am myself and I would rather be that than have no personality.

Two things that are on my list are to love myself and to stop thinking I cant do something because I have only just started. I am learning to give myself more credit and to just accept that I cant be good at everything.

Happy 2015. Let me know your resolutions. Thank you for this amazing year on WordPress

Twitter @Writer_X9
Email writetx9@gmail.com
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12 Posts of Christmas – Day 11

Happy New Year!

Well what a year it has been. Some stuff to be proud of, some stuff to forget.

My life has changed, and maybe I have too, but in the end it’s for the best.

I got my heart broken, I had my first kiss, I went to my first party, I got 100% on a test, I created a blog, I became a best friend, I got drunk, I started doing yoga. There are no ups and downs in life, just heartbeats, just breathes.

2015 is a new year, filled with new possibilities and opportunities.


 

A quick thank you

  • Thank you to my parents for keeping me alive for a whole year once again, by feeding me, clothing me but also loving me. Without those 2 people I wouldn’t be half the young woman I am, and I wouldn’t be half as happy. Yeah we fight, but at the end of the day none of it matters, because we still love each other and I can always turn to them.
  • Thank you to my best friends. This year we created memories and tried new things and lived our lives together. I go to an all girls school and so there is a constant sense of sisterhood, but with them it is different. They keep me together and on the right track. They know me better than I know myself, and at times remind me that it is OK to feel how I feel. For a large chunk of my life I never felt real human connection, but with them I don’t feel alone. When we hug, every worry and piece of bs in my life just feels insignificant. They are better than any boyfriend, their love isn’t so fickle.

Above everything else I just wanted to say thank you to you guys. I love this blog, and it has become my internet diary. You read my most messed up, freaky, poetic stuff and accept it. Thank you for reminding me that I have a voice and for showing me the good in the world, that we aren’t all perfect but we are all trying to do what we think is right.

Please enjoy your New Year and smile. Smile because you got through another 365, and you have another 365 ahead of you filled with opportunity.

Follow me on Twitter: @Writer_X9
Email me anytime: writerx9@gmail.com

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12 Posts of Christmas – Day 10

A frank letter to my younger self, written at the time of year when we are reminded of the past we leave behind and the ideal future we are seeking.

Dear 10 year old ******,

The next 5 years will be the best of your life so far. They are filled with so many smiles and so much laughter. You are going to meet your best friends, your worst enemies and leave some other people behind.

I know you are praying that at some point in the next 5 years that you will become skinny, beautiful and a sophisticated young woman. I do not wish to upset you but the truth is you do not go through a butterfly like transformation. Boobs happen, as do spots, your ears are now in proportion to your face, as is your forehead. You have lost weight, and grown to 5’6 which probably seems enormous to you, but no, you do not have a perfect body. Rather shockingly, you are an average teenage girl. So do not fret my dear, those sadistic hormones do have their perks.

Also all the boys you will crush on aren’t worth your time, please remember that when you are crying over them. Some of them will be more than crushes, and they will hurt you but they aren’t worth it either. No you do not get a boyfriend. I will not lie to you about that. But you do have your first kiss, and it is not vomit worthy.

Also you get some real friends, not just stuck up cows! They are hilarious, supportive and a tad annoying at times, but you put up with them because you are in the same boat.

You are the proverbial Bridget Jones of your friendship group, the one who runs into doors when chasing boys and writes a diary – or in your case a blog – whilst interacting with a member of the opposite sex who you find attractive. You don’t do sophistication and unfortunately go through a phase of swearing like it is going out of fashion. Like Miss Jones, you will end up with the right people in the end, but you are going to fall out of friendships with many. I warn you that wearing a jumper to a disco is not a good idea.

Yes dear one, I know what you are thinking and yes your period does arrive, and it is hell. You will wail and eat sugar filled foods. That is all I have to say about that.

As you grow you will begin to behave badly and participate in many teen occupations such as sitting on your computer all day, trying alcoholic substances that make you feel like throwing up, spend too much time on your phone, watch a lot of YouTube videos and just eat frozen yogurt for lunch.

At some points you are going to realize you have anxiety and are also going to go through times of depression. It is going to be hard, but you just have to stick to life like a barnacle and pray it takes you in the right direction.

Darling you are going to have to let go of the things that used to hurt you, and the toxic people in your life. It will feel like falling for a time, but then you find your footing.

In the next 5 years you are going to change from a girl into a young woman and survive it. Give yourself some credit for that ahead of time. Some psychologist on some tv show once said that you should picture insulting your younger self the way you insult yourself, in order to realize that being negative about yourself isn’t OK. And yeah, honestly I can’t insult you. Though I would never say that about myself now, you are beautiful and clever and a better person than you give yourself credit for. In the next 5 years you will; fall in love once, get perfect marks on a test once, be kissed once and start a blog once. But you will learn from your mistakes more than once, and you will be a better person because of your mistakes more than once.

Also you go to a party and get your face licked once. But that is a story for another time.

Twitter @Writer_X9
Email writerx9@gmail.com
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12 Posts of Christmas – Day 9

I spent the day with my best friend and she sort of healed me.

Over the past month I have been feeling quite low again, feeling lonely, worried and if I am honest, depressed.

But today was so amazing. We had a trackies day, and we just bought a few christmas presents, came home and made jam and crisp sandwiches, talked and snuggled.

She fell asleep on me at one point and as I was falling asleep myself my thoughts were the kind of wibbly wobbly semiconscious thoughts. And I just remember thinking that I wasn’t alone, and that it was always going to be ok.

We talked a bit about how I had been feeling and hearing her talk about it made me feel a little less dark. Thankfully I wasn’t being treated like a china doll, because that makes me feel so uncomfortable. I’m not a gun with the safety catch off, I am just upset.She is there for me, as are so many others.

Everyday I am thankful for the people around me because while they are around I am never truly alone.

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12 Posts of Christmas – Day 7

Okay so as some of you may know I have been trying novel writing again which isn’t going awfully and so I thought I might post my first page on here. The reason it starts with the season and then the name is because there are multiple perspectives in the book. And also there is some female issues mention so if you don’t like that kind of stuff you don’t have to read. For me the point of the book was to tell the truth about being 15 years old and totally useless so I feel like it is right to leave that stuff in. So yeah *coughs* here is my attempt at page 1.

Autumn

Saz (Saskia)

It is very easy to love. To love is to give in to human nature, therefore it takes very little effort. To hate is harder, because hatred we are not born with. Hatred we have to learn.

“And frankly I hate Annabelle Holicott. She is an up herself, two faced, lying bitch, who can f**k off. But that is just my personal opinion of course.” Rebecca looks over at me, as I roll around on the floor, fairly off my face on the boozey concoction she cooked up for me, that contains mostly apple schnapps and Grey Goose Vodka. Her parents are loaded, not like Louise’s, but enough so they can afford the good stuff. Mine only drink white wine on a Friday and have a single bottle of Smirnoff for special occasions, so I rely on Rebecca as my vendor. “Saz I think you are a little wasted, would you like me to take the bottle you are currently rocking like an infant off you?” Beckie doesn’t drink since the incident in May, and we don’t really discuss that anymore. Just before I can tell her to, like Annabelle Holicott, f**k off, Charlotte Mack walks in, in a similar state of sobriety as myself. Staring at us with wide pupils, she talks like gunfire. “Guys, my period just started, I think I broke Nick’s staircase, Louise is getting off with Rammy, and, and it is nearly 4 o’clock.” I try to stand up and reply but the standing up part just results in me smacking my head off a wall, and the replying part just turns into a series of incoherent mumbles. Beckie, being the only non-intoxicated person in the entire house walks over to us both and hauls us down the – yes, very noticeably broken – stairs and goes in search of Louise, Rammy and the other 5 or so people inhabiting the house while Nicks parents were out. “Saz, drink some water and go help Charlotte with her Shark Week situation. I am going to go get everyone else. Rammy can order us another taxi.” I pace slowly over to the kitchen, and find the sink. Washing out an already used glass from the side board, I take a series of quick gulps and put the glass back down. The TV is on, sitting on top of one of the well polished, dark wood surfaces. Friends is playing, The One With All The Poker, and I admire Matthew Perry. In the early series he has always been attractive to me. He is the weird kind of hot that you cant explain to your friends. Just a certain quality that makes him irresistible. I hear Charlotte calling me from the toilet. “Sazzy, Saz, Sizzle Sazzle where are you? Did you find any tampons?” I rush, head spinning, totally unbalanced over to my bag in the hallway. I take out one of the tampons I have spare and walk over to where I think the toilet is, which subsequently turns out to be a I do an 180 degree turn and see Charlotte sitting on the look, pants and trousers completely down to her feet with the toilet door wide open. In her drunken state she has got blood on the toilet, sink and floor. The room looks like that scene in Carrie and I start to panic, throwing the tampon at her. “Just sort yourself out. I’m going to grab some, some. Oh shit, what are they called? Wipes, wet wipes.” I say, sloping off to the kitchen once again.


 

After my last post I took a little break because I was half way through the 12 days and a tad upset, so here we are back to the 12 Posts of Christmas. Thank you for all your support with this recently, especially with my current state, this is just what I needed.

twitter @Writer_X9

email writerx9@gmail.com

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12 Posts of Christmas – Day 6

I don’t want to talk about how much this hurts, because it is a lot. I feel like there is a knife in my chest and someone is slowly, sadistically turning it.

I just hate that I have fallen off the path I want to take, and I can see my way back onto it.

I loved and I got hurt. I tried to be smart but now everyone can see just how stupid I actually am. I’m not good at helping people, I am just too damn self absorbed. And I’m self entitled enough to think I deserve my life to be different.

I never asked for these circumstances, I never asked to have feelings or have my entire life depend on so much that is out of my control.

Everything is clouded by tears and I will probably take this down later but I needed to get this out. Screw professionalism.

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12 Posts of Christmas – Day 4

So I am pondering writing again. Like proper, novel writing.

My last attempt at a book barely made in past chapter 2 because I lost a lot of time and confidence and the belief that anyone wanted to read what I had to write.

Writing consists of having the courage to tell a story, and I didn’t have the courage to tell mine.

Nearly 9 months on and I am ready to tell a story, to pour my head out onto the page. I have downloaded Word onto my phone for the moments when I suddenly come up with the kind of quote that makes an author great, and I am collecting up my previous notes from my laptop.

I would like to play with the linear format a little, crossing over past, future and present, 500 Days of Summer style. Or I could try my original idea of a 16 chapter book, comprised of 4 years with 4 seasons.

Ideally I would love to write in the present and the first person but with 4 different characters, alternating similarly to the Noughts and Crosses series. However from a readers perspective that might bring about a feeling of nausea and I level of complexity for me as a writer that I might not be able to pull of elegantly.

You see the problem is 2 fold. First, in my head, I believe that great novels were written in a month and barely edited. That they just sprang from F.Scott Fitzgerald’s or whoever’s head and became words on a page. Which of course is ridiculous, but I worry that I am struggling with something others find easy and I hate that feeling. The second problem is that I write stories for myself. I do it with essays too. I don’t fill in some of the basic gaps because I think they are implied obviously, but as I am constantly reminded by teachers, the reader is always unaware of the intentions of the writer; that is why they read.

Onwards. I am now going to try to write for 30 minutes and see what I come up with.

Any good YA novels that you think I will enjoy, please comment because reading other peoples work gives me ideas and pushes me to be creative.

Twitter @Writer_X9
Email writerx9@gmail.com
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12 Posts of Christmas – Day 3

My thoughts today whilst doing a 30 minute unplanned chemistry test. Please enjoy my insanity….

Ok, hydrocarbons, lets do this. Hydrocarbons wooooo, hydrocarbons.

Oh shit, right, put my name on it.

A hydrocarbon is…….oh we haven’t started.

You know it’s unfair of her to give us this test just because she can. Like we are a class of 24, we could over power her, sellotape her to her desk and do as we pleased. But then again we would be screwed if a teacher walked in. But if they didn’t we could just claim she had been under a lot of stress.

Oh God, I spent 5 minutes pondering the power of the masses. Right, bio fuels, go.

I literally cant stand her. Hang on hold the damn phone. Did she just say we can listen to christmas music next lesson. Bae, marry me. I love her.

Chemistry sucks.

I remember on Saturday when I nearly fell of the chair and then I got whatever all over me. Huh, my lip is still sore from the bottle I got thrown at me.

Lipbalm, lalala lipbalm.

My hands are dry, can i rub lip balm on them. Is that socially acceptable?

“I dreamed a dream in time gone by, before my chemistry teacher was being a sadist.”

Hydrogen fuels. What, we weren’t taught this. Did I pass out for an hour.

Thank God I didn’t pass out on Saturday, that would have been embarrassing.

“High for this, your gonna be high for this” music would make tests so much easier.

Oh Jesus why did I say that cheesy chat up line to the guy yesterday. I was so cringe worthy.

Maybe I should pop up to that other person tonight.

Meh

Nah

Pencil as a moustache. Penstache

One minute. OK chill. Just blitz it. You got 17/24 on the RS assessment yesterday without any revision. You can do it. Although she did write unbelievable on one part which brings up the question; is unbelievable a positive comment.

I suppose you can use lots of adjectives, hang on is it an adjective. Yeah k. I suppose you can use them positively and negatively.

Thank Jesus that is over.

24/40 bow down bitches.

Oh that was below average.

Probably need to stop texting in chemistry.

Twitter @Writer_X9
Email writerx9@gmail.com
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12 Posts of Christmas – Day 2

I will not make myself small for you,
Be weak for you,
Bow my head and treat you as God,
Let you push me off my mantle piece.

I will not be frail for you,
Act as if I am unaware,
Play a game to make you love me,
Be treated like I am something you can play with as you please.

I will not give away my love so cheaply,
Like pennies to the poor,
Throwing it to you before you had a chance to earn it,
Before I can see who you are.

I will stand up to you,
Never to be trodden on,
Calling you out when you lose track of the truth,
Leaving you in the cold when you hurt me.

And if you still want me then,
Then I shall love you with every piece of me,
Bound to you by your acceptance of who I am,
And by the knowledge that you are the one I will remember.

Twitter @Writer_X9

Email writerx9@gmail.com

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