Deep breath

*deep breath*

That is how everything I write begins, with a deep breath and a few words inside my head. I can hear them now as I type.

The last few weeks have been very bloody hard. I had a lot of school stuff to worry about, some heartache, diet struggles and I really started to lose my energy, physical and mental. And so I cried and got upset and didn’t handle things in the usual manner.

The other day I asked a friend if I had changed, if all that I had been contending with had changed me. She said I was still me, with the same personality, just minus a chunk of happiness. That is why I haven’t been writing and that I why I have let everyone down. She asked me about whether I had considered sleep meds or antidepressants to which I said no. Sleep has been an issue my whole life, because as the type who likes to be busy I find it pointless. Even when I was a little kid I would make my mum sing me to sleep and talk to her about anything just so I could stay awake. And recently I have been going to bed later and later. It takes me at least an hour from getting into bed to falling asleep so I am always tired. Depression however that is a whole other story.

I think I am relapsing slowly but surely. Like sliding from the edge into the swimming pool rather than just dive bombing. I cried down Facetime to my bestfriend the other day because I had finally had enough. I had laid on the radiator in Spanish and had enough. Its warmth drew me in and then I started to cry but stopped myself, holding it in til I got home. Because I couldn’t deal with the things I was going through. Hitting a brick wall with my diet, feeling rejected again, having so much work to do and feeling like an utter failure.

I’ve lost half a stone, which is about 3.1kg but I can’t see it in the mirror.

I still feel fat. I look at myself and I still hate it all. I mean for God’s sake someone complimented me on my legs the other day and it felt so good. But then I got home and still wanted to go out for a run. Because I’m not addicted to eating healthily, I’m addicted to going out and burning it off. And it is making me to tired. I honestly can’t keep awake.

Because I can’t love myself no one is ever going to love me, or that is how it feels at least. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.

I’m scared.

Just so scared.

My general consensus this year was that I wasn’t going to marry or have kids. I was going to live my life selfishly and travel around and make the most of this existence. But I realized I was only saying it to make me feel better when no one wanted me.

The shittiest part is that I know I shouldn’t need someone else to make me happy but a part of me does.

I’m just feeling so alone and down that I don’t think my filters are really working.

I think I’m breaking down a little here, sorry.

I just hate feeling not good enough for myself, because it makes me think I’m not good enough for anyone else. I feel like I’m failing and falling and I don’t know what the fuck is going on.

I’m not going on meds and I’m not going to have this discussion with anyone because I don’t need to relive all the stuff I have been feeling over the past few days. I miss eating whatever I like and I miss being bubbly, I just can’t quite remember how to be really happy anymore.

There is this huge pressure I have put on myself to make something of myself. Because in my head if you aren’t pretty you have to make something of yourself, because when you are plain like me, your brains and humor are all you have. And I don’t think I’m smart enough to do that.

And I’m losing myself. All this over exercising mixed with under eating and school stress and unhappiness has changed me. I just want to go back to being me. The girl who is strong and funny and clever and makes her friends smile. I have found myself in a labyrinth from which I cannot escape.


Twitter @Writer_X9

Email writerx9@gmail.com

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Alone and Lonely

As humans we are all alone inside our own heads and at times that makes things hard. Cause no one can ever see your life the way you see it and no body is going to understand how you feel about something the way you do.

But if you’re lucky you can meet someone or some people who make you feel less alone inside your head. Yes, at times, you might want to scratch their eyes out or slap some sense into them. But when you find someone who you can trust and love as if they were your sister/brother, you have just won at life. Being able to confide in someone can save your life, maybe it saved mine, and always having someone to turn to means you can take on anything. So people are even lucky enough to find a partner who makes them feel this, and those relationships are the kind that last.

Of course being alone isn’t a bad thing. Being alone is not the same as feeling lonely. Being alone can be great for creativity, concentration,  self reflection and doing tasks that you like to do alone like working out or cooking. But feeling lonely is hard, especially when you feel like you have no one to reach out to. People are so wrapped up in their own lives that they can’t see that they need to spend some time with you, and as one of the population of the world I can officially say, we aren’t doing it on purpose.

Alone in the sense of a relationship status annoys me, because not being in a relationship doesn’t make you alone. I’m single but I have some of the best friends that are there for me, so I’m not alone. A relationship can’t fix loneliness; loneliness is a separate demon to dependency. Sometimes even in a relationship you can be alone. And the worse kind of relationship is the one you are alone in, because you can begin to feel like there is a big gap of white space between you are your significant other. If that person doesn’t understand you anymore, you don’t have to keep them around. Sometimes love isn’t enough because you’ve changed, but that is ok.

Twitter @Writer_X9

Email writerx9@gmail.com

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Still by Daughter – A walk in the rain

The Poem

I can barely hear you above the sound of my screaming heart,
And the sound of rain,
The sound of pain,
That’s why it feels so hard to remember why I should hate you.

I relax as your jacket brushes against my frozen hand,
As this body remembers what it used to feel like to need you around,
And in that moment I feel myself falling in love with you,
But I catch myself as I remember the reason I would regret loving you.

I don’t care about the soaked hair hanging around my neck,
Nor the icy lashes raining down from heaven above,
All I can understand is the words being said,
And the ones that we are leaving unsaid to preserve the idea that we can forget.

I can’t explain everything I regret because that would make me seem so weak,
A fickle little girl unable to account for the things and people she breaks along the way,
But I try so hard to make you see that I care,
That I care for you and not for lies I chose to believe.

I don’t want you to walk away when there is so much left to say,
You have taken me in as I opened up and I’ve lost all I was to glimpse of this much,
I can only pray you are the person I see before me not the one you present to the world,
Because that person makes my heart skip a beat and my mind begin to lose control.

The Song


I spent the last week thinking up some new ideas and watching some documentaries and generally cultivating the side of me that writes the best posts. So today I decided that it was time to sit down, plug in my headphones and just write.

In the last month I haven’t really been able to write honest stuff about my life because it involved other people, and I’m not the type to shame people on the internet, especially considering that what I would have said 2 weeks ago is completely different to what I am saying today.

Twitter @Writer_X9

Email writerx9@gmail.com

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The girl with the apple

I struggle with portrait photography a lot. It can be tricky because faces move more than landscapes, and they also change from happy to sad at an alarming rate. But this photo is something I am proud of. I like the composition and the way you look straight into her eyes when you see it.

Normally I wouldn’t publicize this photo because it isn’t of me and I don’t feel comfortable putting some else out there, but this lovely chica agreed to let me use the photo on here.

Twitter @Writer_X9

Email writerx9@gmail.com

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Tales of car parks, fit guys at the gym and Michael Bublé

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!
Ok, I know I am being ridiculous but it is less than 6 weeks away!

In the car on the way to hockey on Tuesday, my friend put on her Christmas playlist and all of a sudden she, her mum and I were harmonizing to Michael Bublé’s ‘White Christmas’ cover with Shania Twain and smiling away as if the next few weeks of assessments were done and dusted. There is something so intrinsically smile worthy about Christmas. And yes it may only be half way through November, but this year I am no scrooge. The pessimist in me is being kept at bay by jumper-loving, chocolate-eating, nativity-decorating me.

This year I’m thinking about getting the best friends – I refer to the three of them like this sometimes because it’s just easier – these necklaces from notonthehighstreet.com, which you can get peoples initials stamped into. Expensive but worth it. I become a rather savvy shopper at this time of year because frankly, with all the presents that have to be bought, I can’t afford not to be. And then there is the ridiculous amount of social stuff that I have to save up for like my friend’s party, Nando’s with the girls, cinema trips.

Speaking of which the dresses I ordered for the party came but they really weren’t what I had been hoping for. The fabric on one was way to thin and sagged in the wrong places and then the other just wasn’t worth the £40s – yes £40s, I mean for goodness sake, it’s not even real leather – I had to pay. I had a minor break down due to the stress of it all but I got back on my feet and said a metaphorical f you to them. They are just dresses!

My whole fitness project is going well. Despite their cut I looked good in the dresses, especially around my stomach, wowie dieting and exercise works when you do it right! I went to the gym again today which was so much fun, apart from when I had to dash into a car park to avoid being seen. Confused? Well essentially I was walking from the train station to the gym with one of the girls in my year. Ladidadida, walking along, past other people from other school. And then suddenly I spotted these two guys I know. I glance at them from out of the corner of my eye. I tell the other girl next to me that I know them, and then she does a full 360 degree turn to look at them. Argh! Look it’s not that I am ashamed of going to the gym or anything – lots of girls from my school go and I am really proud of the work I am doing on my body – but I just didn’t want these guys to see me. They are the kind of guy mates who won’t ever let you live anything down. They waved and continued to follow us, so I spied the gym, only 200 yards up the road and ducked into the car park after making a quick farewell to my friend. I then had to swiftly speed walk through the maze of parked cars to avoid being seen.

Once I was in the gym I had a great session. Towards the end this really attractive guy my age came in and started on the running machine. He was looking at me and I looked at him. He started to speed up the treadmill and I sort of saw this as a challenge, and sped mine up too past the normal person speed. Needless to say I was exhausted after 15 minutes and just sort of wandered out into the changing rooms. Curse my competitive streak.

Twitter @Writer_X9

Email writerx9@gmail.com

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We die, they died

We live,
We love,
We die.

We work,
We strive,
We die.

We conquer,
We corrupt,
We die.

They fought,
They bled,
They died.

They were loved,
They were lost,
They died.

They were brave,
They sacrificed,
They died.

We will remember them.

Flightless Bird by Iron & Wine

I know nothing of love,
I know only of me,
And of you.

I know nothing of souls,
I know that you have one,
And that I do too.

I know nothing of happiness,
I know that you make me feel it,
And that I make you feel it too.

I know nothing of touch,
I know only that you touch me,
And it makes me feel alive.

I know nothing of greed,
I know only that I need you,
And that maybe you need it too.

Twitter @Writer_X9
Email writerx9@gmail.com
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Trying Again

Like many vlogbrothers’ videos, this post comes to you in many parts. Part 1 – Guest Blogging Part 2 – Schedule changes Part 3 – Life craziness


 

 

Thoughtsfromthespareroom needs you!

Interested in guest blogging on here? Drop me an email writerx9@gmail.com

Just include;

  1. The name of your blog,
  2. Your pen name
  3. The title of the post you would like to write
  4. The basic content of it i.e. it would be about _____

Seriously guys, the more the merrier, I would adore to have some other bloggers posts on here!


 

My life is getting busy. Like I’m actually using the reminders and calender on my phone, kind of busy. So yes I have been neglecting this blog. But alas, no more, change is coming.
After receiving the One Lovely Blog Award, I realized how well everything is going in all aspects of my life. But balance is important and I can’t just stop blogging because frankly, it makes me happier than a lot of things in my life. And I have all these pre-written posts ready.

So I’m re-jigging the schedule;

Musical Mondays – Basically Musical Thursdays, just on a Monday.

Topic Tuesdays – The same as before.

Video Wednesdays  RIP

True Thursdays – Real life stuff, how I am doing, a mix of Mental Health Mondays and lifestyley type stuff.

Photography Fridays – The same as before.

Spontaneous Saturdays – The same as before.

Story-time Sundays  RIP

I have basically cut down my days in order to produce better, less rushed posts. I am going to try and do more of a mix of poetry and opinion pieces but it all depends how I am feeling.


Life wise everything is going really well 🙂

The new fitness regiment is doing well and I got my gym membership yesterday. I went for my first session today and I am absolutely knackered but it feels good to work on my body. I’m also trying to eat less crap, which is going good too but I still detest tomatoes.

I got accepted for my rowing trial, which means in March my life could get a whole hunk crazier if I get in full time. I am improving at hockey and I enjoy getting my anger out with out. Smacking a ball against my stick is rather therapeutic. Ooooooh and I have started doing yoga at home. Cleanse le shakra and all that.

I have applied for my school’s Duke of Edinburgh course, but there are limited places so once again things could get crazy if I get in because I need to do an extra 2 hours a week for my volunteering and skill. Luckily hockey covers my physical activity. And I also have my first ever babysitting job tomorrow night. Only an hour but I’m still excited.

School is exhausting, but I think I am keeping up with the GCSE work well. I need to get into coffee to stay awake in Chemistry.

Well that’s all for today. I think. To be honest I will have forgotten something but yeah. Oh well.

*collapses from tiredness*

Twitter @Writer_X9
Email writerx9@gmail.com
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The One Lovely Blog Award

I have been nominated by this lovely blogger for The One Lovely Blog Award and it is such a freaking honor. This week has been pretty crazy so far, and be nominated for this award just adds to the crazy, happy excitement. Without everyone’s support I wouldn’t still be blogging, I wouldn’t be writing, and I don’t know if I would be happy.

The One Lovely Blog Award nominations are chosen by fellow bloggers for those newer or up-and-coming bloggers. The goal is to help give recognition and to also help the new blogger reach more viewers. It also recognizes blogs that are considered to be “lovely” by the fellow-blogger who chose them. This award acknowledges bloggers who share their story or thoughts in a beautiful manner to connect with their viewers and followers. ~ To quote my nominator.

The guidelines for the One Lovely Blog Award are:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you for the award.
  2. Add the One Lovely Blog Award logo to your post and/or blog.
  3. Share 7 facts/or things about yourself.
  4. Nominate bloggers you admire and inform nominees by commenting on their blog.

So I have done 1 and 2……..FACTS TIME

  1. I cry over music. Literally pick any piece of music, let me listen to it, make up a back story to it and get so engrossed in my own imagined thought that I blubber all over the keyboard.
  2. I think I am mildly psychic. So yeah. I don’t have premonitions or whatever but I feel like I have a very strong inner sense. Sometimes my dreams come true the next day. I don’t take it seriously, I am just thankful for whatever it is.
  3. I have never been in a relationship. And actually after years of wanting one, I don’t have the time nor the effort left to be in one right now.
  4. My major celebrity crush is on Brooklyn Beckham. Because he is a teenager and he has the whole ‘oh I didn’t see you there’ pose down, which makes him rather dashing.
  5. I used to sing. Not anymore. My voice is no longer, hmmmm, how do I say this, in the normal human key for singing. I now sound like a dolphin.Which leads me onto my next little factlet……
  6. I can do the best dolphin and whale impressions. Yep, seriously, I have it down. Ask me to do it anytime and I shall.
  7. I have an accent in my name. Yep, thanks for that mum and dad. Already a confusing name, let’s just make her life harder for all official documents, exams, credit cards and tax forms.

Nominees 

  1. A Teenage Poet
  2. Iced Mocha
  3. An Aspiring Medic
  4. Feministe Poetique
  5. Tempest
  6. Melissa
  7. Chicklette
  8. Z
  9. Sharen

Thank you once again for the nomination!

More posts and things are coming I promise, life is just a bit craZy at the moment 🙂

Twitter @Writer_X9

Email writerx9@gmail.com

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MHM – Lies leave me alone

Hi, I’m sorry it has been a while and that I haven’t been posting every day. You don’t want to hear the excuses and I don’t want to explain so let us be British and Keep Calm and Carry On.

Each thought,
Every thought,
Every damn second,
Doesn’t stop hurting.

You aren’t real,
You’re not real,
You’re everything I need,
What is this loneliness.

The cool winds touch,
There is a gentle breeze,
There is nothing more,
Wishing you were here.

Unified by forces unseen,
Until forces change their mind,
Until the rest is white noise,
Reality is a cruel crash.

Actual pain,
Actually killing me,
Actually leaving me broken,
Now there is a scar.

I need more than this,
I wished for more than you,
I wished for a better life,
Lies leave me alone.

This is not Thursday, so this post isn’t inspired by a song and I know that you’re probably thinking that this doesn’t have much to do with mental health but it does, because this is the back end of the depression and the desperation that comes from being knocked down when you were getting back up. There is a soundtrack to this poem, because there always is to my work. Here are three songs that I wrote this too, they fit my feelings, each in their own ways. None of them explain how I feel, because they each represent a part of this feeling (what I want, what I feel in the sense of loss and then what is really going on in the core of it) but together they paint a damn good picture of this nothingness. Whatever the hell this is. And I’m sorry that this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but I hope that if someone else feels this, that they find in comfort in knowing that they aren’t the only one feeling blank, alone, nothing.

What I want

What I feel

What is real

Twitter @Writer_X9

Email writerx9@gmail.com

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Halloween Edition VW – My decorations and pumpkin

This week I would like to show you my pumpkin and some decoration type things.

The link for the how-to with the woolen spiderwebs is here

Also a quick tip on using cookie cutters on pumpkins; don’t use to much pressure to quickly. Use a gentle pressure on each section of the cutter and then start applying pressure all over.

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Twitter @Writer_X9
Email writerx9@gmail.com

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Halloween Edition TT – Staying in the year?

Welcome to Spooky Week here at thoughtsfromthespareroom. As you can tell by my creepy new background, I am feeling the freaky vibe. All this week I will be posting Halloween Edition posts. Happy Halloween my lovelys, keep your wits about you and gorge on candy for this is the time we remember the things that scare and shock us.

Today I have produced a little staying in pack for those of you – like myself – who aren’t going partying/trick or treating/raising the dead with your coven and are staying in this year. Below are the top 5’s this Halloween, including links to IMDB pages, recipes and YouTube soundtracks. Enjoy your feast, movie marathon and decorations, and remember to stay updated for more Halloween themed posts this week 🙂

Top 5 Films

  1. Vampire’s Suck – A great spoof of twilight, not exactly high brow, but if your looking for a good laugh and your don’t want an awful rom-com, go for this.
  2. Shaun of the Dead – Another comedy, but with added gore and some adult section. This is my favorite zombie movie, and is a true British classic.
  3. Saw – Personally I don’t find the Saw series that scary because it’s just gore but some people get pretty freaked out by it. Lots of gore and death related challenges, a good base level horror movie.
  4. Sinister – This one is extremely freaky, with many jump scares and a decent, mildly plausible plot line.
  5. The Woman in Black – My first horror film! Lots and lots of jump scares, a good film for those who want a little horror but don’t want nightmares.

5 songs

  1. The whole Rocky Horror soundtrack – Because god-dammit Janet, you need to watch and appreciate that film. It is literally the best musical in the history of horror comedy musicals.
  2. Zombie – Jamie T is the best 🙂
  3. Thriller – iWe all love the dance, lets be honest.
  4. Ghostbusters – Another great movie you should watch, but the song is fab too.
  5. I put a spell on you – Something a little bit more mature, very jazzy and the sort of thing you dance alone to in the living room.

5 foods

  1. Banana ghosts – For those of you like me who are attempting to stay fairly healthy this year, this is a nice treat that might be classed as one of your five a day. It is Halloween for heavens sakes.
  2. Orange Pumpkin face cookies – Very cute and easy to make before hand.
  3. Orange and Chocolate Spider Cakes– These are adorable and great for those who enjoy a good baking session.
  4. Eyeball Pops– Decorative and fun to make, I had a few too many of these last year.
  5. Hot Dog Fingers – As a vegetarian, not my favourite, but for those of you who like meat, I thought these looked funny and cool to make.

2 easy-to-do decorations

  1. Pumpkins – No link needed here. Walk to Tescos/where ever you do your shopping and grab a pumpkin of any size. Use a dry wipe marker and draw a face. Proceed to cut, scoop and mould that pumpkin to your hearts desire.
  2. Candles – I have an unhealthy addiction to candles, which makes me a tad basic, but oh well.

5 things to remember

  1. Candy for the kiddies – Remember to pick up candy/sweets/chocolates for any children who might be coming around trick or treating. Pre-wrapped sweets like drumsticks, moaoms etc are the best and most sanitary.
  2. Community – If you don’t want trick or treaters bothering you all night, respectfully let your neighbours know. Also try to stay alert about tricksters, if they are prevalent in your area.
  3. It is ok to not be bothered – If you absolutely detest Halloween that’s fine. Just don’t be a Halloween grinch to everyone else, it kills our vibe.
  4. Use up left overs – If you end up with what feels like years worth of chocolate left over, melt it all down, mix in with crushed up biscuits or marshmallows and leave it to set in a tray in the fridge. And their you have Writer X’s famous tray chocolate. It is also great around Christmas and Easter.
  5. Blog, blog, blog – Let me know what you are doing this year in the comments, heck, let everyone know. Take some good photos, writer some great poetry. Stay creative and fabulous.

Twitter @Writer_X9
Email writerx9@gmail.com
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Halloween Edition MHM – Anxiety increases

Welcome to Spooky Week here at thoughtsfromthespareroom. As you can tell by my creepy new background, I am feeling the freaky vibe. All this week I will be posting Halloween Edition posts, and today’s is the first. Happy Halloween my lovelys, keep your wits about you and gorge on candy for this is the time we remember the things that scare and shock us.

At this time of year my anxiety level goes way up, because the nights draw in, there are more parties and social events that get under my skin. For example because of the clocks going back today, when I was trying to get home from a shopping trip with some friends, it was dark. And getting back from where we were is hard anyway because I have to use a plethora of public transport. But for me the dark and the threats that come  with it get a little much. So tonight I was getting panicky and worried, and because of who I was with hugs and a sit down were not an option. I got home in the end, all safe and sound and I executed my plan perfectly.

As the dark encroaches, things seem a whole lot worse than they are. It’s obvious the weather and light effects peoples moods, so remember to stay aware of the influences at work.

Anxiety/ Panic attacks are absolutely awful and should be avoided, but don’t stop yourself not going to things or seeing people because you fear them. The fear of the anxiety heightens the anxiety.

Just remember BOSS (I came up with this myself 🙂 and I think it is actually quite good, if I do say so myself)

B – Breathe. Breathing is one of the key things in controlling panic and anxiety. Just give yourself a few breathes.

O – Observe. Look at the situation and calmly think it through. Work out what is upsetting/triggering you.

S – Stay Safe. Move away from the trigger or change the situation you are in so that you feel safe and can feel your symptoms fading.

S – Smile. Smiling helps, even if there isn’t emotion behind it, trust me science has proven so. Smiling and acting fairly normal also helps in situations where you can’t/don’t want to explain your anxieties to people.

Also I just wanted to say thank you, love you and life goes on. If you read this post, that means you care about my little blog, and therefor I care for you too. Thank you for your love and support everyone. Your the reason I’ve done as well as I have with this. Without you I wouldn’t have the confidence to write, photograph and talk to people about the crazy stuff that goes on in my head ❤

Twitter @Writer_X9

Email writerx9@gmail.com

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MT – Small Bump by Ed Sheeran

Your attention is like a soft blanket,
Each look,
Each word,
Wraps me tighter and tighter in.

Everything you do makes me need you more,
You have become the drug,
My permanent crutch,
All I need now is you.

Your intentions don’t match your actions,
Filling me with love,
Whilst feeling nothing,
I can’t comprehend your emptiness.

Your cruelty crushes me until I cry,
Saying those things,
But unable to say sorry,
I want you and your comfort out of my life.

But your absence grows into a hole in my heart,
Just from missing the affection,
Needing to feel special to you,
I wish I could throw away the memories.

You emerge to break me once again,
Apologies are to much to ask,
Acting as if it was all a dream,
You could cut the tension with a knife.

Hearing your words and seeing your face,
I am wrapped up again,
Stuck inside the blanket,
Suffocating slowly with each character you type.

I have to make the decision,
Between what is right,
And what is easy,
Already knowing the choice I will make.

The Song

Obviously this poem isn’t about a pregnancy, but there is something about the song which works well with this poem for me. I wrote the poem to it and hopefully the tempo integrates quite well. The reason why this song equated this piece of work is because of the ‘snuggly’ atmosphere of the song, like the soft blanket in the poem. The blanket itself represents how someone can comfort your insecurities and how over time you become dependent on them for ‘warmth’ or security or happiness I guess. And the section at the end of the song where Ed sings about the fetus being ‘torn from life’ syncs in with the last paragraph, of the choice that needs to be made because of the pain it will cause the narrator.

I think I just analysed my own work ?! Well isn’t this becoming worryingly professional. I think I have been spending to much time in English Literature class.

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Disgusting

We are all disgusting,
Thoroughly vial.

But isn’t that part of the fun of existing,
We each get to be utterly ugly.

We are each beautiful,
So we can be ugly.

We live today and die tomorrow,
So give up the vanity,
It’s nothing more than a procrastination technique.

I’m at a concert at the minute so today we are off schedule. Love you all, talk tomorrow when I have a banging headache and no voice.

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TT – Thanks for breaking my heart

Thanks for breaking my heart,
I feel violated,
Thanks for breaking my heart,
I feel frustrated.

Thanks for breaking my heart,
Everyone can see you for what you are,
Thanks for breaking my heart,
I will look at you from afar.

Thanks for breaking my heart,
I will not cry over this bs,
Thanks for breaking my heart,
I honestly couldn’t care less.

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STS – Persevering

Over the last 6 months I have been running, intermittently might I add, 2 miles every few days.

For the first 4 months I really couldn’t be bothered, I wavered off and on and ignored my diet and fitness plan; I would only run when I had an excessive amount of energy or pent up emotion that I had to get out. But then about 2 months ago I stood up to myself and decided that it was about time I committed to something. And that’s when I started eating better, working out and running and making an effort to care for my body more.

So at the start my time was 20 minutes for 2 miles, 10 minute miles, which is slower than average according to the internet. Day by day I worked on my time. I got quicker quite easily, already at 18 minutes by the end of week 1. But then came the struggle. You see I am extremely competitive, and started pushing myself harder. My times were consistently 17 or 18 minutes, but that just wouldn’t do. I kept pushing until I reached 16 minutes, 8 minute miles, and then I rested.

I had hit a milestone and I worked at achieving that milestone everyday that I ran. By this point I was running 3 times a week and I was exhausted. But I didn’t care, because running these 2 short miles had become my favorite thing to do. I became obsessed and so I wanted to achieve a 15 minute time.

I worked and worked for another 2 weeks, but God I couldn’t get it. I came extremely close 3 days ago, but I just couldn’t hit it.

Until today. Today I ran 2 miles in 15 minutes.

To tell the truth it isn’t just because I worked hard, it’s because I persevered. Even when I couldn’t reach that time, I didn’t get upset; I just told myself that I could do it, and that tomorrow was a new day. Right now I ache, like really ache, as in I could cry if you made me walk more than a mile. But I’m so proud of myself that it doesn’t matter. I working hard on doing more exercise and eating healthily, but for someone as picky as me baby steps are the best way forward.

I think that perseverance also ties well into my whole new confidence thing. It is part of the idea that you can do anything, you can achieve things that seem beyond you.

You just have to try and persevere.

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PF – Golden Sun

You touch me,
Caress my skin,
Bring warmth to every part of my body.

I blush and laugh,
My wavy hair blowing in the breeze,
As I gaze in awe at all there is to you.

Your light radiates from within you,
Your eyes see me for who I am.

The wind catches my skin,
As I stand in front of you,
Simply breathing,
Simply thinking.

You can never know of the nostalgia I feel towards you,
Towards this moment,
Towards everything I feel and felt.

I cannot think of you without smiling,
Nor imagine your face without biting the insides of my lip,
I am in the thick of it.

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