The shittiest thing about being logical is that you analyse everything. Literally everything.
People around you
The environment around you
And worst of all yourself.
I’ve met people who really struggle to understand themselves or struggle with bottling things up emotionally. And its shit. But honestly I am jealous of them most of the time.
What I wouldn’t give to be confident and walk up to some and talk to them.
What I wouldn’t give to not understand the way people think.
What I wouldn’t give to be able just look in the mirror and think “yeah you look alright”.
Because the truth is I understand myself so well that I am lost. I am stuck, unsure where to go. I want to change but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to become this woman. This amazing, funny, clever woman that I could be.
And that’s the thing, I have potential. Potential to go on and be a psychologist or do a degree in something nerdy. Potential to have a good figure and become super sporty. Potential to have confidence and be a woman.
But I haven’t got an effing clue about who I am and who I want to be. I don’t know the sum of my parts, and what that can lead me to.
I was never one of the handstand girls at primary school. I was always the one in the corner, sitting thinking about life and death.
I am different and so what standards do I have to measure myself against. There are no women in the world like me. Maybe there are and I just haven’t found them yet…..