The pain of realizing you’re not ok

At this point I’ve given up. At least 20 people I know probably read this blog, my screwed up patch of the internet. So fuck it…….

The truth is I still hate myself, I’m still depressed, still have anxiety, still think everyone hates me, still alone and still think about dying.

I just wanted to be ok for a little bit you know. Just wanted to feel real true non bullshit happiness.

But that’s not really working.

I’m currently ill off school and that always makes it worse, because I start to realize how little I am really needed.  The world would go on spinning perfectly and no one would even notice. But of course I’m too cowardly to actually do it.

So I just carry on being unwanted and unneeded.

Doesn’t even matter anymore.

Also I’m back blogging because this is the only thing the seems to keep me sane.

X

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8 thoughts on “The pain of realizing you’re not ok

  1. imjustadreamer says:

    For some reason, I really liked this post.

    I know how you feel. Trust me, I do. In so little words, you took about.. half of the posts on my blog and summed them up.

    There is nothing anyone can do to make you happy. That’s the most horrible thing about anxiety. Even if people “cared”, you’d find another reason to be miserable. That’s just how anxiety works — it doesn’t let you be happy.

    The thing about people, though, is that we move on. To say that if you were gone, and that the world would go on to spin perfectly without you is fact. It would. But that’s not because people don’t care about you. It’s because that’s just how life is.

    Sometimes during depression, we take drastic measures to get proof. Proof that we’re wanted. Needed. Loved. These suicidal thoughts are normal. Everyone has them, all the time. The truth is that life sucks. People suck. Everyone is selfish. They don’t realize how much hurt someone they know could be going through — or they do, but they just don’t care.

    I’m really sorry you feel this way. I won’t tell you “it gets better”, because it doesn’t. I feel this way all the time, every day. But I hope you realize that while it doesn’t get better, you learn to cope with it. You learn to coexist and understand that you have your whole life ahead of you. These thoughts, these feelings. They’re the center of your universe now because you’re young. The world seems so narrowed down. Like you’re in this hole you’ll never get out. But as you grow up you learn so many things. You realize that the people who act like they don’t care, friends, family members. They don’t need to be in your life. They don’t need to make you feel that way. There’s something about time passing, growing older, that just gives you a sense of relief. A sense of being in control. And then maybe, hopefully, you’ll finally start to feel like you’re okay.

  2. mybuddyhisrowplot84 says:

    I’m not going to like your post simply bc i hate the fact that anyone goes through the same feeling as I do. It’s a horrible feeling to feel this way. The post above really says it all. It won’t go away. There’s no magical fix and unfortunately the world is depressing. However, you have got to find things that make You happy and Focus on you! If someone makes you feel unworthy then they are not important enough to be in your life! You need to surround yourself with positive people that will lift you up. It has taken me a very long time to realize this myself. In school I chose friends that didn’t make me feel like a very great person. It’s so important to surround yourself with friends and family even co- works that will encourage you, believe in you, support you! Never ever let yourself get to the point you act on your thoughts of hurting yourself or anyone else… This will only let anyone who doesn’t believe in you win! You show yourself and others your a Survivor, you can overcome Anything!! You fight! Depression is horrible it’s so hard to fight, but you Can win, and You will! If you find comfort in writing, write everyday. Try some other things too. No laughing, but art therapy is wonderful for depression and anxiety. One last thing and this will sound super odd… for years I explained to my doctors my mood changed at certain times. We realized when I needed Fluids and my electrolytes were off balance my depression would be worse. See if you can have this looked at or try drinking more water or a poweraid. It could help. Also have you been to have your meds adjusted or maybe they aren’t the right ones for you? You hang in there. It’s not going to just get better instantly but I promise you will learn how to live with it and have a better quality of life. There is so many of us who understand. We are here for you. 🙂

      • mybuddyhisrowplot84 says:

        X, I know the feeling about meds. It may not hurt to try them. There are all kinds out there. Even ones used for things like headaches that have other uses meaning they can be used to stabilize mood. It could make a world of difference for you and make you feel so much better. I used to think I couldn’t take meds bc it made me a weak person. Then after I found out how many people ( and I mean all kinds of people popular, well known, seems like everything is awesome in their life. Every class, every race) just so many people were on meds I realized it didn’t matter. Who cared and who had to know? I started taking topamax for my migraines but the positive thing is it is a mood stabilizer. I agree therapy is good. Look into different types of therapy ‘ s . Have a good day. I care. 🙂

  3. mybuddyhisrowplot84 says:

    Ps. You would be missed and for the people who love you… Their world would Stop! I just lost one of my family members. My world has just stopped. Don’t know how to go on. So yes it keeps going as the big picture around us but for the people close to you… they wouldn’t ever be the same. I could see your side if you were angry. I get that way too, but in the long run I think sometimes to myself I rather prove them all wrong and show everyone how awesome I can be! You do the same! ♡

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