I think on some level all of us want to improve ourselves. Most people have a list of maybe, 2-3 things they want to change. But some have a list that is eternal. Our need to change, improve and grow is what pushes many of us forward. It gives us a reason to live another day, because we believe in the improvable tomorrow. That it doesn’t matter how today went, tomorrow can and will be better.
My list is eternal. It is necessarily because there is anything wrong with my body and the way I act. It’s just that my soul doesn’t quite match up to my body. On the inside I’m this really interesting, complex, exciting person. But my body doesn’t represent that.I think the really shitty fact is that I’m never going to be good enough for myself. I’m always going to be flawed and I’m never going to be perfect. No matter how much weight I lose, or how much surgery I get.
I hate myself. I really do. And I’m always trying to seek validation from others, to make up for my lack of self esteem and self worth. I look for it in a boyfriend. But due to my perpetual loneliness, that hasn’t really worked out. And to be honest I feel like it is my fault. I’ve made decisions in my life that made my self confidence worse. And I put myself directly in the eye of the storm.I need to start focusing on getting better before I meet someone otherwise I’m going to fall into a cycle of dependence on boys to make me feel good about myself, which leads to a tonne of problems.
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Laugh til you cry, love til you die.