I know this post is based on depression relapses but I think it also applies to self harm, eating disorders and other mental health problems. Anyway I just got back from my run, which I did in my hockey shoes. Yes, I am an idiot, they were not designed to be run 3 miles in but I left my trainers in my locker. So now my feet are sore, my legs are arching and my hair is dripping wet from my shower. However my onesie is extremely snugly so I’m feeling ok.
While I was running I was thinking about my depression, relapsing, how relapsing feels and if I am relapsing now.
Relapsing sucks. Because first of all you know what depression feels like, so you spot it quicker. Which is great in helping you get better because you can sort it out faster but there is a downfall to this. Knowing exactly what is wrong with you somehow makes it worse. Because rather falling slowly into a hole of depression – excuse my metaphors – you fall face first quickly. And in a way it hurts more with relapses than it does the first time.
Relapsing also sucks because you feel like you have lost a war, and that you are weak for relapsing. THIS ISN’T TRUE. You might have lost a battle but you can and always have the ability to win the war. And in no way are you weak. Some of the most amazing people to ever live on this earth have had depression. And just like them you can win.
Relapsing feels awful. I’m not going to lie to you, it just does. And in truth I think I am relapsing a bit now. But that is ok. Because I amazing friends who are here to support me, I know what to do when I am feeling down and I am starting to learn how to handle my emotions better.
Stay strong and live on. Because it could be worse and it isn’t.
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